Personal Loss

Today I had the task of compiling a list of all the songs I know how to play, so that my new section leader, Richie, would know. After listing about 12 songs, I was stuck. I knew I knew much more than 12 songs, but I still couldn't remember them.

Then I remembered 'Wave'... In fact, it was the tune I remembered, I couldn't remember the name of the song. And I felt really bad about that. It's only been 4 or 5 months since I've been out of pan practices on a consistent basis, yet I'm starting to feel rusty, and even a little foreign to it all. I'm terrified by that.

I miss my babies- my six pans. I miss playing, and I miss hearing them with the rest of the band. The thought of me being away from them for much longer doesn't particularly excite me, but it's something I'm slowly forcing myself to get use to.

What worries me more than anything else is returning to the band on a full-time basis and feeling like a stranger in a place that I once considered my musical home. The thought of people not knowing who I am, or of hearing songs I'd never heard before and having to sit and listen as everyone else plays them troubles me. I can't imagine what it must be like for the die-hard pannists forced to leave pan for whatever reason, and leave for years. Maybe soon I won't have to imagine. I certainly don't want that to be me- not anytime too soon anyway.

But what can I do? I'm just hoping that, in the event that I do 'leave' the band, my return won't be too strange. Playing has become a standard part of my lifestyle and I'm not quite ready to change that yet. I don't think I've learnt enough, and I certainly don't think I've contributed enough. But time will tell all. God knows best.