Most people who've met me within the past 5 years are unaware of my aging tendency to overthink things. I'm not sure what sparked it, but by the time I was 16 or 17, every thought, every decision, everything that went through my mind underwent rigorous cross-examination and analysis. Everything had to make sense to me.
I somehow managed to temper that trait of me, which brought me everything from extra joy to aching depression. But now and again it wiggles its way back in. Case in point: On Saturday (well, actually Sunday morning) as the panyard tried to make sense of the final two songs being practiced for the night, I sat in the Union in a chair far from everyone else, thinking about the people in the panyard and the other friends in my life, trying to put on the proverbial paper where my life stands with the people around me. Best friends? Not right now. Close friends? Yeah man! How close? Not quite sure...
One of the insecurities I've never been able to get over (and probably never will) is that of how friends see me. It's one of those things where I'd love for a perfect world theory to exists- if you're my best friend, I should be yours too! In whatever regard I place you, I want you to look at me the same way. But it doesn't work that way. A friend of mine says I'm his best friend, and he wants me to be the best man at his wedding. Now, we're cool and all, but he certainly isn't my best friend, nor is he very likely to be my best man. I wonder how he'd feel if he heard that; probably the same way I'd feel if someone I start to feel so close to only thinks about me when my name pops up on their cell phone. Life's a bitch.
There was a time when I could pick out at least 5 closest friends in a heartbeat. I could also guarantee you that those persons would know me extremely well. And lucky for me, I knew they felt the same about me. Times have changed. I know I have a decent circle of close friends. But in the event of a bad car accident, or a death in the family, or receipt of a scholarship, how many people will those people call before they call me? Will I even hear from them, or will I hear second-hand?
The struggle I face at the present moment is that it's no longer easy for me to answer those questions about myself. Who do I call first in the even of a death, or a scholarship? I can't say I'm sure. It's been pointed out to me that on a couple occasions I've held onto the past, calling some people best friends or close friends, when in actuality the relationships fizzled ages ago. I don't know who's who anymore, and I don't like it. Similar to how some people scout for girlfriends or boyfriends, that's how I feel I mentally scout for really close friends. In one of the first posts on my blog, Pointers For Living, which I wrote probably in 2000, one of the 'pointers' was that you should have people in your life that know you inside-out (not necessarily that extreme, but you get the point). Suddenly, I'm not sure who those people are anymore. I know what you are to me, but I don't know what I am to you. And I don't like it.
And at the same time I've realized it all as a call to try and treat everyone as well as I can. As in my 'best man' scenario, you're never sure how important people perceive you to be.
When that moment comes, who will you call first?
5 comments:
As I read your blog I could hear and understand ur frustration. At the same time I realised how lucky (well, I always knew) I am.
I have a set of three friends and no matter how long we haven't spoken to each other: we are always there for each other. Without a doubt I know they are the closest friends I have and I know I'm one of their closest friends. That's a secure feeling.
So I say this, not to be silly or evoke laughter: You're a BB, know that you will always be close to ppl like BB and TB cause we take our bass family seriously. Over the years BB and I have talked about much and helped each other out lots. It's why we try to create a bass clique - so every bass knows they are always and will always be welcome.
Having said that I know what u really want is a person or persons and not a unit. Knowing the little I know of you - I know that many of ur friends hold you in high regard as u hold them. Fret not.
(Much more to write - but not my blog.)
I wouldnt worry about how important people percieve you to be, mind you its nice to have the feeling reciprocated, I think in a sense it is enough to know that u have people in ur corner and will be there wen you need them.
Never was the "best freind" kind of person, I am more the person who likes to have a network of close freinds. I have been best freind to a few people, and they were amongst my closest freinds, and I dont think it makes that much of a diff I you wish to call that person best freind or not, its deeds not classification that trully identifies a freindship.
PS. ur prob the 78th person Ide call:D,
Nah just kiddin. :D
Honestly though pan is like an extended family to me.
I love you guys.
Think has a point; the BB family is a serious thing to us because we spend so much time together and have so much in common. Sometimes I think we have become too cliqueish and that can drive ppl away but we mean no harm. Of course, each person has others outside of pan who are as/closer.
So what happens outside of pan for me? the same questioning. I had friends I called best friends just disappear on me like I didn't matter. I don't understand why but it happens. I recall a friend calling me his best friend and expected that I would feel the same and I didn't and we warred for mths in high school over it. Today he's best friends with my brother.
Basically I've rambled with no answer for you other than accept that's how life pitches it. I don't like it either but work with what I've got.
Seeker, it's more than just how ppl perceive you to be, it's having a friend that knows and understands you well, and vice versa. You remember the example I gave earlier when we were in messenger. So it's not just about how about having a 'best friend' title to throw around, it's about true, deep, solid friendship based on more than just surface stuff.
But I guess it's like BB said, I may just to "work with what I've got."
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