Survival of the Fastest

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am a frequent user of your ATMs, or 'ATM machines' as some imbeciles
love to call them.

OK... it is obvious that I am angry, so I apologize, and will now
attempt to be a little kinder for the rest of this letter. It is using
your ATMs that has gotten me so upset. Now I know you probably think
I'm going to argue about going to the machine just to find out it's
not in service, or having the machine spit out fifty $100 bills at me,
or eating my blasted receipts. But I will leave all that alone today,
and instead focus on the real problem- your customers.

Too many times have I been forced to stand and wait in line for
extended periods to use your ATMs. Too many of your clients seem to
need the ATM equivalent of potty training, so that it doesn't take
them 20 minutes to draw two thousand dollars. I mean, it's ridiculous.
As such I have a few recommendations for making the process of using
your ATMs a faster and more pleasing experience:

1. Limit the capabilities of your machines. Don't allow anybody to
print out receipts, or transfer money from one account to the next, or
anything that will cause them excessive blood vessel loss! Withdraw.
Deposit. That's it. Anything else they wanna do, they can do in front
of a teller.

2. Certify your users as ATM-ready. Require that your clients do at
least 10 hours of ATM training before providing them with a card. In
fact, give them an aptitude test as well. They need to work for the
privilege!

3. Create a waiting room for using the ATM... call it a 'Thinking
Room' if you will. Clients will queue in this room but will not enter
the ATM until they are absolutely sure they have mapped out their
intentions. If they're not ready, they can let the person behind them
go in first. There's nothing more annoying to me than watching
somebody standing aimlessly in front of a machine while I stand
outside waiting on his blank ass.

But then you may ask, "How can a Thinking Room work effectively? What
if they still waste time in the ATM booth?" For the solution, see my
final recommendation:

4. Time the bastards! They'd better use their time in the Thinking
Room effectively, because when they do get to use the ATM, there will
be a 2 minute time limit. When their time runs out, you could display
a message on the screen, something like, "Your time has expired.
Please leave." And spite them while you're at it. Withhold their card,
and refuse to give them their money. That'll teach them turtles!

I hope you will consider my recommendations seriously...

And if you don't I'll withdraw every freaking dollar from your bank
and put it all in Olint!

I am, etc.,
Mr. b. Chocolate
bchoc@blogspot.com
Kingston 8