Exam in Review

One down. Finally.

A big part of my mental burden over the last fews months is… was… my preparation for my professional examination. It came and went this morning. Already, I feel better.

Don’t be misled, however. How I’m feeling now has little to do with how the exam went, and everything to do with the fact that it went, and will not be a factor in my life for a little while. The exam was as hard as I expected, and I was as prepared as I thought I was, which wasn’t enough to ‘mash it up’. I don’t even know if it was enough to pass.

In all honesty, the odds were against me. It was my first exam, and I don’t have one friend who passed that exam on first attempt (and I have several friends who tried it before I did). To add to that, the time necessary for preparation was perhaps more than the time I had available, which was compounded by the fact that just over a month ago I was studying for another exam as well. I mentioned in Missing Unemployment that I was also struggling to get accustomed to the work/study lifestyle, which is why I wanted more time to prepare. I, however, succumbed to the pressure of my HR department, which was eager to get me into an exam room. But in the end it was my decision, and I’ll live with it somehow. But to add to all that, I can honestly say that I did not give it my all, and I’ve made no bones about that. I knew I could’ve done more, but for more reasons than one I didn’t. And that’s something else I’ll have to live with.

Have I learned my lesson? “When will I learn?” was the question I asked in Circles related to, among a number of other things, my preparation for this particular examination. I’ve been down this track more than once before- I can see the train coming from a distance, but I do nothing to stop it. In other words, more than once I’ve been in a situation with an exam coming up, and I watch the time pass by without preparing properly. It’s a struggle that will have to end soon… now… if I plan to get through these exams.

I’ll admit that a part of the reason I’m writing this post is to reduce (in some insignificant way) the number of times I have to respond to the “How was it?” question. Pre-exam queries drove me crazy. As I went to bed last night, I reflected on the past few weeks. I remembered the words of friends- “How’s the studying going? I know you’ll do well.” Each time, I ask myself, “How the hell do you know I’ll do well? You’re not studying for me!” As much as it sounds like I’m showing aggression towards my well-wishers, really the aggression is targeted at myself for letting them down. I’ve never been one to over-exaggerate my position as it relates to exam preparation, and it just hurt everytime to know that I couldn’t give positive answers. Ultimately, I just ended up being bothered more and more everytime someone asked how things were going. Like I said, the odds were always against me, but I’m disappointed that I added to the poor odds.

Here’s to dreams of the end of this circle… soon.